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Life

Happy

Life

I am happy. Relationships with mine and Ander’s friends are more tight-knit and mature than ever (and not just those friends everyone knows about). I have figured out people’s true intentions and have cautioned myself away from the few toxic ones. I am closer than comfort ever to Ander’s family and relatives, as he is with mine, that we even joke about switching families now. My freelance “job” is seriously raking it in within the past year, and I earn more than enough to cover all the bills, a few wants, and some — all while giving me the luxury of doing whatever else I want, in my own time. Ander is finally showing interest in helping his dad manage their company — something I’ve been pushing him to do the past few years. We also have XX trips booked within the next year on top of that. I am happy. I do want to list down all the reasons as to why but I really can’t due to the freedom the internet has given to a lot of people. Sa ‘min na lang ‘yong iba.

So here I go, pretty much telling the world that, yes, we are #blessed, not just with worldly things, but with experience, love, life, and genuine happiness.

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Disclaimer: I know I mentioned about not liking “maintstream blogging” before. I am being a bit hypocritical now about my stance on generic photographs overlaid with pa-deep quotes. Am I cool now?

The (Mis)adventure of the Kitty and the Bunny

Life, Rants

The last weekend was probably one of the longest weekends (figuratively, of course) I have ever spent in my life. Ander and I arrived at the bunny‘s house at half past noon on Saturday. We’ve already been travelling 4 hours by then, and we’re about to go on another 2-hour trip with her family and relatives to Nasugbu in a nearby province, which is known for its nice beaches. Ander and I are like extended extended extended members of her family, you see. I’ve been in a lot of family things with them. But this is not just another one of them.

The weather was not the best, as an untimely storm made landfall that weekend. Nonetheless, we had fun froliciking in the huge waves, catching up, laughing at all her dad’s jokes, looking after the kids, just getting our hands on all the food — albeit functioning on 4 hours of sleep. Sunday night, and we were ready to head home.

Now the normal route home from Nasugbu is around 78km (48 miles) via Tagaytay and would take slightly less than two hours. Her cousin this time, suggested another route for some scenic views for everyone. He can’t be blamed though, the trip would have been magnificent …had it not been at night …and storming. Everything was pitch black.

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C’est le par(ad)is

Life

Paris (and Europe in general) has always been my dream. Love this quote on the Christmas card my cousin, who is now based in France, sent me:

“Ajouter deux lettres à Paris: c’est le Paradis”
~Jules Renard

Translated, it says: Add two letters to Paris: This is Paradis.

Ate, I’ll see you in Paris indeed.

Past vs. Present Me

Life

Today, Mai asked me copies of those “tags” that were all the rage in Facebook (and the blogging world) years ago so she could answer them herself. I couldn’t help but cringe while reading some. Did those answers really come from me? How would I react to those questions now?

I’m answering some of those tags again, after more than 5 years, just to see how much my perspectives and opinions have changed compared to when I was but a nineteen-year-old girl.

1. Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with?
Past me said: “Because he was an asshole.”
Present me says: “Because he was not the right person for me.”

That same asshole is now married with kids. So, maybe, just maybe, it’s not because he’s an asshole, but because I don’t see an asshole being the right person for me. Relationships are beautiful things whether they go ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ It’s such an opportunity to grow as a human being.

PS. He may be married, but he is still an asshole

2. What’s the best feeling in the world?
Past me said: “I just realized that it is actually waking up inside the arms of the person you love.”
Present me says: “Genuine happiness.”

As in the purest, sincerest feeling of happiness. Doesn’t matter if it comes from that little bit of sunshine on your skin after feeling all triste from all the rain and gloomy days, or if it’s from waking up inside the arms of the person you love. Just that genuine feeling of happiness.

3. What’s something you really want right now, to be honest?
Past me said: “My OWN car!”
Present me says: “Contentment.”

All around me, I see these happy people enjoying their happy days, talking to their happy friends and going to their happy places. I just really want to know how they do it, how it seems that everyone around me have life all figured out and here I am, still couldn’t be utterly satisfied about every little thing. People seem to be perfectly happy with how much — or less — they have.

I don’t really need much in this life that I’m not willing to work for and get for myself, but sometimes I just feel like too much of a dreamer and wished life were so much simpler for me.

4. Name something you CANNOT wait for
Past me said: “The right guy ?”
Present me says: “Start my own family.”

It’s hard to believe that 6 years ago, my priority was still finding the right guy. I have been in bad relationships in the past and it was perfectly understandable why I said that. After all, I was young then — at least younger than I am now.

Now, that right guy every girl’s been dying to have hasn’t been my problem for the past 4 years. I could say I got lucky. What I cannot wait for now is to start my own family. Hashtag quarterlifecrisis.

5. Where were you at 11:47PM last night?
Past me said: “Walking to *a coffeeshop*. It’s what my ‘sent items’ says.”
Present me says: At home, cuddled up with my cats and the man I am going to marry.”

If I were, by any chance, walking to some coffeeshop, I would sure be walking alongside that man or a friend, not walking alone for a late night coffee date.

6. What is something you’ve realized recently?
Past me said: “That I have already forgotten how good it felt to be hugged by someone dear.”
Present me says: “That I have already forgotten how good it felt to be hugged by someone dear.”

7. Where do you see yourself in the next 2 years?
Past me said: “Prolly working. Completely independent I hope.”
Present me says: “Couldn’t tell what I’d be doing by then, but I’m sure that in 2 years, I will be a better person than I was today.”

(And is probably already married)

8. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
Past me said: “Pig out. Surf the net. Go shopping. That’s what I always do. lol”
Present me says: “Pig out, go shopping, go watch a movie, go get a whole body massage and grab a glass (or two) of wine or a cup (or two) of tea to cap it off.”

9. Will tomorrow be better than today?
Past me said: “I don’t think so. Today is a greaaat day but it depends ?”
Present me says: “I’ll make it, like I always do.”

10. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
Past me said: “Nothing. I am already blessed!?”
Present me says: “Nothing. I am already blessed!?”

To know who we are as a person, we need to have some idea of who we have been. And, for better or worse, our remembered life stories is a pretty good guide to what we will do tomorrow. When I cast back to an event from my past – let’s say the first time I ever swam backstroke unaided in the sea – I don’t just conjure up dates and times and places. I do much more than that. Thanks to my past self I’ve come out the other side with a renewed sense of who I am. I’ve learned not to be ashamed of who I was, instead I’ve chosen to embrace that person, learn what I needed to and then continue growing into the person I want to be.

My Life Minus the Typographical Errors

Life, Soliloquies

Words, by far, are what I consider the best weapon I have against the fiendish villains of real life. There are several reasons why I blog. First, life has what I like to call “dead air”. Sometimes, we have nothing to do but sit on a couch and wait ’til our backs ache — we stare at the television, forcing ourselves to watch all those doggone awful shows; or maybe torture our eyes through our computer or phone screens all day. To sum it all up, life reaches a boring point. And to make the spare time productive, I write.

Second, my major is not English, and I am not required to write but writing wouldn’t make me less of a multimedia arts major, so I choose to write.

Third, writing is better than having doing drugs, or swimming in a pool of alcohol, or partying until dawn breaks. Writing doesn’t kill time. Rather, it makes the time livelier.

And fourth, my camera can’t capture all my good-for-writing experiences, so I use my pen (keyboard), my paper (computer), and my words to do the shots. Besides, while I may not be too bad at photography, I am a humble woman of the pen-and-paper activity. With passion as the initial capital, I am trying hard to develop the kiosk of writing prowess I have with me.

I check my blog site unfailingly. I don’t know why. Maybe I am just a bit narcissistic when it comes to my “masterpieces”, or maybe, it just really feels good to reminisce and appreciate how well I was able to capture the moments using my own version of a fifteen-megapixel camera. I care about people viewing my site. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made my blog site open for everyone to see. I would be pleased to know that the readers have somehow been entertained, or at least intrigued by my posts. But I would be even more pleased to see that the readers have been touched by what some others consider as mere trash. So to my “co-writers”, let us not be intimidated by those who appreciate in the inconvenient way. We’re still alive. We might be famous when we die.

Cashmere

Life, Prose, Reverie

I gave birth to a baby boy. Or at least I dreamt that I did. It was the evening, and I was crouched by the hearth. He was there with an ache in my bones. I felt it.

Fast-forward within the white walls of the hospital. I drowsily peeked through the nursery’s glass wall (One is not allowed to wander after giving birth; but dreams are surreal…)

There laid those tiny porcelain fingers and delicate whorls of tiny ears. He was crafted by the tiny chisels of white-winged angels. I held him, a small wrinkly thing in my hand — ugly as the night to some, but to me: so beautiful, so perfect — and I loved him.

It was the happiest moment of my life. I felt it.

Note: I am far from wanting, or even thinking of having my own child. And I look forward to the day I live that moment, and genuinely feel the joy — maybe a thousandfold.

Carefree

Life

Been wrecking my mind to write a piece I’ve been only seeing fragments of in between dilly-dallying and sleep. Spent the entire night sloughing through a string of Muhan Dojeon episodes.

I think my problem now is that I don’t have a problem.

Old Ghosts

Cogitations, Life, Prose

Sometimes, I think of all the people I’ve lost or grew apart from and wonder what they would think if they saw me or knew me now, given how much time has passed and how much things have changed.

Would we still be friends? Would we argue over the same things? Would we be kinder, at the very least?

Then I remember that I lost those people for a reason. There’s a masochistic (probably narcissistic) urge to want them back in my life perhaps just to be able to say “Look, I’m better now. Look, I didn’t need you with me all along.”

Independency

Life, Love, Prose

Find arms that will raise you up from your most helpless plights and hold you at your frailest. Find eyes that will behold your beauty, even at your ugliest. Find a heart that will love you unquestioningly, even at your most repulsive. Because that is the only love that really matters.

And when they aren’t someone else’s, they need to be your own — and that’s the hardest part.

“Let go!”

Life, Love, Prose

You’ve heard it many times. But how do you really say goodbye to someone you love? There seems to be more pain in admitting it’s no use holding on… but what about those romantic letters and gifts? What about the dreams you said you’d both achieve together someday, and the promise to keep trying when things don’t work out? Sadly, not all things work out. There comes a time when life will tell us that this chapter has ended and it’s time to move on to the next. And you have to. All you have to do is to learn how to accept and loosen your grip; because otherwise, you’ll get rope burn. It could be the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to deal with, but it’s still the right thing to do. Sooner or later, you’ll find, that in the middle of all the turmoil, Letting go is the first step towards something, or someone, indeed much better.

This is one of my favourite quotes from writer Rainier Maria Rilke:

We need, in love, to practice only this: Letting each other go. For holding on comes easily, we do not need to learn it.

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